Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
