My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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