I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
