my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
