Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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