I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have aggressive nipples.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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