Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
