So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
