I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
