You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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