college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
