Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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