mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
