i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
