currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize