While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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