Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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