Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
