I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
