Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
not ubering you a puppy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
