Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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