I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
