I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
