he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
