fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
