Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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