You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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