Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
