Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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