in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
