I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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