Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize