just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
