My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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