His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
