Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
