the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
