But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
