I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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