dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
