There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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