I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
