the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
