I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
