this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
