I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
