My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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