I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
