He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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