I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
barbara walters just said penis...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
