There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize