We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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