It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
