i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
