be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
