Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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