I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
