new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
why is half of my head shaved?
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