we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
