i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
