I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
