I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
