trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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