1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
