I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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