All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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