My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
